so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
