Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
