I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
