Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
