Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
