i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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