DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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