I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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