Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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