My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
