I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize