there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
