Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
