I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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