I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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