i think my mom watched the whole time
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
These tits shall not be calmed
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