walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
