I feel like I'm in dance class right now
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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