whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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