my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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