so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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