saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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