I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
