I love black thongs
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
