I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
