The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
