if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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