There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
