So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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