I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
