I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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