I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
