Only a mothe r could love this liver
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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