Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
