I am puke
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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