haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
