Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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