eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
