You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
