I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
