I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
