I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize