WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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