the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
