Jerry, you need to find god
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
