Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
