he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
