Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
