I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
