someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
God, I missed his penis.
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