Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
