dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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