Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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