I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
