i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
