So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
