Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I am midnight drunk by noon
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
