I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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