everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
