Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize