cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
