How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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