Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
