I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
