May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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