jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
