So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
