it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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