I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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