if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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